Dear Doctor

[Zoot]

Is it true if I gave you somewhere to stand and a lever you could move the world?

[Teddy Dupont]

A lever is not required. Just watch the hands.

[Cattermole]

Dear Doctor,
I've recently started seeing a woman whose husband spends all his spare time in technician's shops getting amps repaired,....... and well......., you know.
I can pump quite confidently at 250bpm and am happy with my general performance but I'm worried she might laugh at my small Wegen.
So, my question is does size really matter and if it does what do you suggest?

[Teddy Dupont]

I'm afraid size is everything Catty. I suggest you abandon the relationship immediately to prevent the most appalling embarrassment and return to the garden shed to try to get your bpm up on your own.

[Cattermole]

I'm afraid size is everything Catty. I suggest you abandon the relationship immediately to prevent the most appalling embarrassment and return to the garden shed to try to get your bpm up on your own.

Fair comment Doctor, after all it is working on my own that's brought me this far.

As to improving my bpm, how do you think should I hold my little wegen? Do you recommend a thumb and forefinger grip with remaining fingers attractively splayed, or should I be thinking more along the lines of a loosely balled fist?

Is it advisable to pump with a metronome going and do I have to stop if I experience a little wrist pain as I find pulling up abruptly mid-performance a little frustrating?

Also, do you think my using newspaper for curtains in my shed will scare the neighbours?

Many thanks.

[Teddy Dupont]

The important thing is to keep hard at it particularly when you feel yourself slackening. To help maintain your motivation during those periods when you are just limping along, here a picture of one of Cabo's old girlfriends.

[Phydeaux3]

Dear Doctor,

How can I get a nice tone?

I've heard that a cause of bad tone is down to the construction of the guitar.

If so, then I'm concerned about my wood. I think it's spruce but I've heard that this is too soft.
What I'm after is a good hard wood.
I'm only asking as I think my right hand technique is suffering.
Could over use of the rest stroke also contribute to my tone? Maybe a continuous up and down motion should be applied more often.

Please help!!!

[Teddy Dupont]

I'm afraid I'm finding it difficult to keep up with the pressure of all these stressful queries but I feel it important to respond to Phy's concern. Forget the wood. It's all about the size and shape of your pick. If it's thick enough with a nicely shaped tip, the world will be your oyster. Just keep thrusting it between those strings and satisfaction is guaranteed.

[Cattermole]

Dear Doctor,
The other day a friend of mine asked if I would accompany her while she played her clarinet as she is soon to be taking her grade two exam. I, of course, said it would be a pleasure and in no time we were lost in the beautiful music of Andrew Lloyd-Webber.

Unfortunately, the soloist with whom I normally play walked in unannounced and caught us together. She stormed out and I thought if I gave her a bit of space she'd calm down so didn't pursue the matter there and then.

Well, since then practice has been a bit of a nightmare. The atmosphere is icy to say the least and she's started upward sweeping and starting phrases with an upstroke. I explained that the clarinetist is just a friend and that I was doing nothing more than finger-picking a few open chords, but it's just not working for us.

I'm at the end of my tether and I'm sure we're only staying together for the sake of the Nolan and Cosimini books we have in common.

You are my last hope, Doctor.

P.S. It may help you to know that my clarinet playing friend is a lousy musician but is packing a wazzo pair of fun-bags.
And the word "moist" has cropped up in conversation more than once.

[Teddy Dupont]

This is an easy one Catty. Dump the whinging loser and move onto the clarinet totty. I understand these female clarinettists develop the most extraordinary dexterity in their fingers and can fearlessly sweep upwards and execute powerful downstrokes without any need for a rest. We all love music dearly but the fact is that "fun-bags" must invariably take priority.

I am a little concerned that discussions of moistness have already entered your relationship but looking at the photo below, I can perhaps understand why. Good luck and as my old Granny used to say - never bent over when a clarinet player is around.

[Cattermole]

I understand these female clarinettists develop the most extraordinary dexterity in their fingers and can fearlessly sweep upwards and execute powerful downstrokes without any need for a rest.

................not to mention their embrochure.

The portrait added to the wall of the photo is a great touch as it makes me look even better-looking.