Who Is Caballero?

[Teddy Dupont]

I have had this request for some time but I thought I would wait to post it until all the losers who read this column were away wallowing in their own filth at Gossington in order to preserve Fanny's privacy.

Dear Dr D,

I hope I can trust you to be discreet about this very private and rather embarrassing matter. I have been reading this forum for several months and find myself becoming increasingly attracted to the person who calls himself Caballero. He seems exactly the sort of perverted, foul mouthed, semi-illiterate, half wit who has always been my weakness. I understand you met him once on your way to a Quaker meeting outside the Chigwell magistrates court after he had been convicted of indecent exposure. Is my view of him accurate? I would hate to meet him and find he was actually a normal, healthy, wholesome person.

In confidence,

Fanny Itchen

Dear Fanny be assured discretion is my second name and nobody ever reads this forum so your secret is safe between us.

Your reading of Caballero is spot on. That is an incredibly perceptive description of him. I would only add that he is also a bit of wet lettuce. So if something limp, moist and green turns you on, he is your "man".

Best wishes in your pursuit and thank you for the photograph of yourself which I found most unusual and just a little disturbing.

[Caballero]

I voted for the 'Hideous nightmare involving flatulence' option, it's probably the closest thing to a compliment I've seen from you.
It's rewarding to hear you went for the 'Billy no-mates' option this weekend, obviously not wanting to sully your sock-suspenders and be in the mud n' shit with the rest of us badboys. It ruled, but you were at home, tucked up nicely with a mug of cocoa, putting on the extra blanket , guarding against the July chill, and finally, after allowing yourself a minute or two to Give Birth To Your Knuckle Children you nodded off into a cosy sleep. With drool seeping from the side of your mouth.

[Teddy Dupont]

I am deeply wounded by your comments here Cabo. That is the last time I tell you in confidence what I am going to do at the weekend.

I am forwarding the photo of Fanny to you as requested in your PM. I suggest you do not look at it on a full stomach.

[Teddy Dupont]

I report without comment that at this point in time, 57% of those who have voted believe Caballero to be a "mincing camp musician". That figure rises to 67% if Cabo's own spoiling vote is excluded.

[Teddy Dupont]

When you see Cabo accompanying that great gypsy jazz singer Max Bygraves, you can begin to understand the fascination Fanny has for him.

[Caballero]

SHITE!!
oh the stories.......

[Teddy Dupont]

SHITE!!
oh the stories.......

Did he really keep saying to you "I'm gonna tell you a stawree"?

................And is it true he never performed again after the tour with you?

[Cattermole]

Cabo,why weren't you given a smaller chair so your feet would reach the floor?

[Caballero]

It's true that he never toured again after this one, I feel I got a look through a window into an era and mindset that will never happen again. It was all strange how the whole thing came about and Max was at times amusing, charming, witty and at other times a grumpy old fucker who needed a good slap. His son was a grade 'A' tosser who still needs a slap. His M.D was a musical wonder but autistic. Superb stories and adventures had with this lot.
I enjoyed Birelis company better. He showed me more shit than Max did. And his stories were better.

[Brett]

When you see Cabo accompanying that great gypsy jazz singer Max Bygraves...........

I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that's Norman Wisdom on guitar.

[Teddy Dupont]

It's true that he never toured again after this one...

Probably your greatest achievement to date then.

His M.D was a musical wonder but.....

You had a musical director!!!!!!!! What did he do? Call out the chords for "You're A Pink Toothbrush" and "Gilly Gilly Ossenfeffer Katzenellenbogen By The Sea" to you?

I enjoyed Birelis company better.

Sycophantic name-dropper.

[Cattermole]

I thought the photo was one of Teddy's wind-ups, but it's for real, isn't it?
Piss-taking aside, I'm impressed.

[Brett]

I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that's Norman Wisdom on guitar.

..... or it could be Reg Varney.

I met Cab in Brighton, when he conducted a workshop while a Samba band played in the street outside, and he didn't look like that.

Come to think of it, it could be the Chairman of the Peoples' Republic of China, although I'm not sure that he ever worked for Max Bygraves. Ho Chi Min used to live in Ealing though and worked in the kitchen at the Drayton Court Hotel, so it's possible.

[Teddy Dupont]

I thought the photo was one of Teddy's wind-ups, but it's for real, isn't it?

Yes it is but I must confess I did mess with the imagine to make Cabo look rather disgusting (half-mast trousers, vomit on the shirt, trousers undone etc). In the original, I reluctantly have to admit that he really looks quite normal.

You do have to be impressed that Cabo lasted the tour and more particularly with the fact that he has since been formally adopted by Max but the scary violinist did get fired!

[Caballero]

Actually, the M.D was a monster, Phil Phillips. He had to read 8-page scores, cue everyone, work out songs on the spot cuz althziemers Max thought he'd rehearsed them, all sorts of shit. He just had bad social skills. Our scores were frightening, loads of segway stuff, no guitar chords just four to the bar piano-voicings we had to sift through, grim shit, but edgy, well-paid fun. Don't forget, We were opening up the whole show with full-on gypsy-jazz before we played with Maxs' group. The audience hated us, and we loved them hating us. The audience hated music generally but loved the ol' variety bit.
I'm sure I've said all this before.
The scary violinist is returning to sccop up the weeds that have grown up on his old path...soon.